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God didn't plan for a disaster in your life, but heck, use it for the better!
Speak softly, and carry a big stick.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
If all students were demons, then teachers would have an easier job.
Why perform dangerous experiments on animals when there are so many lawyers around?
I believe in giving homemade gifts. Which of my kids do you want?
I got this car for my wife. What a great deal!
I love all of God's creatures, especially smothered in ketchup.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
Ignorance is bliss.
Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed often, and for the same reason.
The nice thing about Alzheimers is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Gone crazy! Be back soon.
Word to the wise: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Nothing is idiot proof for a specially talented idiot.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger; then, it hit me.
There's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.
5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions.
Very funny, Scotty; now beam down my clothes.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Squirrels, natures little speedbumps...
The #1 thing I go through each day is alarm clocks.
Driver has no money; he's married!
Simple mind, simple pleasures; a simple mind cannot comprehend.
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
Oxymoron #19- Rap music.
Those who don't get dates, memorize them. (Special thanks to Chris Van Dam for this one!)
Clones are people 2.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I love cats; they taste just like chicken.
I love cats, but i could never eat a whole one.
Cats- the other white meat.
So many cats, so few recipes...
Hooked On Phonics: helping kids read gooder.
Normal people worry me.
Gossip sucks (pass it on).
Speedo- making us all wish we were blind.
Pixy stix- the next best thing for kids who can't afford crack.
Macs are only good for one thing: TARGET PRACTICE!!!!!
Stop shooting sprees in our schools (except law schools, naturally).
Oxymoron #26- government intelligence.
Unless you're a hemmorhoid, get off my @$$.
Friends don't let friends vote democratic.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
So many lawyers, so few bullets...
Beware of quantum ducks: quark! quark!
Vegetarian: ancient Incan word for "lousy hunter."
Karoeke: ancient Japanese word for "tone deaf".
My kid can beat up your honor roll kid!
Brakes? What are those?
I took an IQ test the other day, and the results came back negative!!
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